Relationships
A healthy relationship involves respect and equality, spending time with friends and family as well as each other. You will feel safe and supported when you are with your partner, and they will encourage your goals, and you theirs. There is trust and honesty between you and you can talk openly and listen to each other. It feels good!
Unhealthy and abusive relationships can start in this way, however, things may start to change and you may notice a difference in your partners behaviour towards you. Have you noticed that you do not see your friends as much as you did? Are you changing your plans to suit them? Are they checking up on you? Is jealousy getting confused with love? Have they physically hurt you? Abusive behaviours can be difficult to see when you are the one in the relationship. Coercion and control involve manipulation and power imbalance. It makes us start to lose confidence in ourselves, and harder to see what’s really happening. Our choices and freedom can become more restricted. An abusive partner will find ways to control you. Remember this is not your fault and it is not ok!
Reach out to those you trust, even the ones you may not have seen in a while. They will be glad you have. They can help and support you while you work out what you want to do next.
Warning Signs
Young People in an abusive or unhealthy relationship may be holding on to the good bits, even if most of the time, it’s not. Sometimes young people have mixed views on what is healthy or unhealthy. A good indicator is how your partner makes you feel. Do you feel safe and secure when you are with them, or do you feel scared of what might happen next? Not every day will be a perfect day, but there should NEVER be any abuse. Take a look at the warning signs compared with the Healthy signs and see if any standout to you;
- Is your partner checking your phone or emails without permission?
- Do they put you down and insult you?
- Are they extremely jealous or insecure?
- Do they become angry quite easily?
- Do they have mood swings?
- Do they show possessiveness of you?
- Does the relationship feel like it consumes you?
- Do they tell you what to do or what to wear?
- Have they ever physically hurt you?
- Does your partner have mood swings that make it hard to understand?
- Do you see less of your friends and family because you spend more time with your partner?
- Do you find that you always pay for things when you go out together?
Healthy Signs
- Trust – do you trust your partner to stay loyal and never deliberately hurt you?
- Safe – do you feel safe with your partner, both emotionally and physically?
- Respect – does your partner respect your decisions and opinions? Do they respect your sexual boundaries? Are you able to give or withdraw your consent comfortably?
- Honesty – Are you both truthful in your relationship?
- Communication – are you able to talk and listen to each other?
- Spending time together – do you enjoy positive time together, as well as spending healthy time apart?
- Support – do you both support and encourage each other’s goals and dreams
- Plans – Do you make decisions and plans together?
Consent
If your relationship has become sexual, it is important that both of you are consenting. There may be times when you have been made to do something you have not felt comfortable with or felt that you must ‘go along’ with it. It can be difficult to know what is healthy or unhealthy especially if you have been coerced or manipulated.
Did you know that you cannot consent to any sexual activity if you have consumed too much alcohol? You have the right to change your mind and stop at any time. Consent isn’t just about saying yes or no. Did you actually have a choice?
Sexting
Sexting is when someone sends or receives a sexually explicit text, image or video on their mobile phone, usually in a text message.
Many young people think that sexting is okay and a normal part of healthy relationship. However, it’s important to remember that if a relationship ends or becomes abusive, those images are often used for Revenge Porn. What was intended to be private, has now become public. The images may be used in threatening behaviour and blackmail.
Nearly 1 in 5 people receiving a sext have passed it onto someone else and even posted it onto the internet. However, it is a Criminal Offence to share intimate images of a child under 18.
The NSPCC have developed a tool to help young people to report images and videos online and enables them to get the image removed if it is illegal.
Getting Support
There are many reasons why someone stays in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. It can be complicated and not easy for others to understand, especially if they have never been in that position themselves. Leaving can sometimes increase risk and you may not be ready to leave at this point. You should never be judged for whatever you choose to do.
There are a few things you can do to get help;
- Reach out to someone you can trust; even those you have not been in touch with for a while. They might be able to help you work out what to do next. This might be a teacher or friend.
- Contact New Era Domestic Abuse Children & Young People service on 0300 303 3778 or by web referral at New Era Secure Forms
- Childline 0800 11 11
- Young Minds; Visit their interactive website for further information and guidance
- In an emergency, always call 999
It is also important to note that if you are in a relationship and see yourself as the one causing the harm there is support for you through New Era Behaviour Change service for Children & Young People. More details can be found here www.new-era.uk or they can be called on 0300 373 3772